Week 34 Start with Something Old; End with Something New

Week 34
Start with Something Old; End with Something New

by Peggy Urry

I had to chuckle to myself when I read the title for this week. Oh, how appropriate as I have a daughter getting married in a couple of months. This post, however, deals with the order of things to improve the flow and clarity of our writing.

Ending our sentences with new information gives the reader a sense of what is coming next, enticing them to read on (as was discussed last week).

"Consider this sentence: 'You need to eliminate common errors in your writing.'"1

Eliminating common errors is an idea that you've introduced and it now is 'old information'. Anything referencing that idea should come at the beginning of subsequent sentences with new info presented at the end.

What do you think of this set-up: "You need to eliminate common errors in your writing. Your credibility will be undermined by errors in grammar, word choice, and punctuation."?

How would you improve it?

Consider this: "You need to eliminate common errors in your writing. Errors (old idea) in grammar, word choice, and punctuation will undermine your credibility."2 The flow and clarity improve with just a simple change in order.


1 Wilbers, Stephen, Mastering the Craft of Writing, pg 189.
2 Wilbers, Stephen, Mastering the Craft of Writing, pg 190.

Week 19 Avoid Mid-Sentence Shifts

Week 19
By Tamara Passey

Change is good. You've heard that before, right? Change can also be hard. Like when a certain cosmetic company discontinues your favorite color of lipstick--without giving you advance notice--so you can't buy a lifetime supply of the color you love. I won't name names. Some changes are necessary, but even then, there is a proper time and place for change. Here is a big hint: that place is not in the middle of a sentence.

Wilbers compares mid-sentence shifts to jumping off a train before it has pulled into the station. Or in some cases 'jumping abruptly to one train of thought to another.' 1

I may or may not be guilty of this. But thankfully for me, and other thought-jumpers like me, Wilbers breaks down the most common mid-sentence shifts to avoid.

1. Shifts in verb tense. If you start in present, stay in the present. If you start in the past, stay in the past. If you don't know what tense you are in...ask your nearest writerly friend.
2. Shifts in person. 1st person, 2nd person, 3rd person. Stay consistent (like the advice, 'dance with the one that brought you') I, you, we, they, etc.
3. Shifts in subject. This one gets tricky for me so here is an example: "Although some people consistently arrive on time, there are others who do not" should read "Although some people consistently arrive on time, others do not."
4. Shifts in voice. This refers to active voice and passive voice. And that discussion could take several blog posts. To sum up: active voice is where the subject performs the action and passive voice is where the subject receives  the action.
5. Shifts in modified subject. Here is the example: "When pickled, I think herring tastes like caviar" should read "When pickled, herring tastes like caviar to me." Why the change? In the first sentence, the reader is imagining what you look and smell like pickled. Yes, be careful with your subjects and don't change them mid-sentence!

Stay on track. Keep your sentences from shifting and your reader will be better able to follow your train of thought.

1. MTC, p. 103

Week 8 Delete That for Rhythm and Flow; Retain That for Clarity

Week 8
Delete That for Rhythm and Flow; Retain That for Clarity

by Peggy

After completing my draft and several edits of The Archer's Hollow, I came across a list of words to search for in the document. "That" was one of those words. I was amazed at how many times I had used it when it wasn't necessary.

So how do we determine when it is useful and when it is not.  Stephen Wilbers' simple rule, stated in the title chapter, can guide us to better writing. Retain it for clarity, when the sentence doesn't quite make sense or is ambiguous without it: "I worry the sore on my finger, as I keep picking it, will get infected."1  Would you insert a 'that' for clarity anywhere? Here is the sentence with 'that' strategically placed for clarity: "I worry that the sore on my finger, as I keep picking it, will get infected."

Which of the following sentences should retain 'that' for clarity?

A. "She told me that she would proofread my report."

B. " I recognize that your friend may be right."2

(If you remove 'that', does either become ambiguous?)

Mr. Wilbers points out that often it it a matter of style and preference. We want to write as concisely and clearly as possible which means each word matters. I would take out 'that' in sentence A and leave it for sentence B.

Challenge for this week: Search your document or WIP for 'that'. How many can you eliminate?

TAMARA: I love that he clears this up. I remember sorting through my MS and finding too many instances of THAT. I deleted so many, but some I knew I needed to keep. Now I know why. Clarity. I need as much of it as I can get!


1. Mastering the Craft pg 46
2. Mastering the Craft pg 45